I struggle with what I am suppose to do in my day today life. I use to just do things because it seemed like the right thing to do and my heart was always into it. Somwhere along the lines I started to get angry over some of the things that I made my self do that I didn't want to do. I decided not do some of the things that made me unhappy because I didn't really want to do them. The problem is that these actions (not doing things) make me feel even more unhappy.
They also make me feel guilty for not doing what would be helpful for someone else just because I don't feel like doing it. What does that say about me. I wonder if it just a phase and I need time for myself. That use to be such a foreign concept for me but now it is becomings the norm.
It happens with my family all the time and it happens with others in my life as well. I use to really work hard at trying to keep us all together (I'm talking about my family) and it would be a struggle all the time but in the end we saw each other ofter and spent a lot of time together.
Different people came and went and some people were unhappy about it but I always forced the issue for the greater good in the end. But sometime around the start of this year, I started to do things differentially. I stopped begging people to be a part of things and I stopped making myself invite people who made for a difficult evening to create a better atmosphere and an easier time for myself and for others. I don't really get questioned on this but rather I get people saying its fine with me, It's your house. I never really understood why you forced the issue so much (again this is all in reference to my family).
I feel guilty about it but I still continue to do the same thing week after week. Why?
With my sister, she doesn't really want to be bothered so much anyway so it seems to be OK with her. But when I tell her that we got together, I feel guilty and wonder if it bothers her. I don't really know because she doesn't really comment and she really never initiates anything anyway.
With my dad, the new woman in his life is so complicated and so much work and it is so much easier when she does not come but we ususally just grin and bear it. I have always taught my children that regardless of our feeling for her we will be polite to her out of respect for my dad. Well lately we have gotten together several times here and I have made the decisoun not to call and see if he was available. I have always told him about the get together later and really they have always been last minute in prompt toos (I am justifying again) and it was not the whole family because it was only my family and my sister and her boyfriend but still I know that if he were available, he would probabally come. I feel like such an awful person and a horrible daughter.
I hope that I go back to the girl that I once was a short time ago because I think that I liked her much better. I don't think that my heart is in it at the moment. I don't really know why.
I hope that God will soften my heart and help me to move forwards because at the moment I feel as though I have taken so many steps backwords.