Monday, July 13, 2009

Self Struggles

I struggle with what I am suppose to do in my day today life. I use to just do things because it seemed like the right thing to do and my heart was always into it. Somwhere along the lines I started to get angry over some of the things that I made my self do that I didn't want to do. I decided not do some of the things that made me unhappy because I didn't really want to do them. The problem is that these actions (not doing things) make me feel even more unhappy.

They also make me feel guilty for not doing what would be helpful for someone else just because I don't feel like doing it. What does that say about me. I wonder if it just a phase and I need time for myself. That use to be such a foreign concept for me but now it is becomings the norm.

It happens with my family all the time and it happens with others in my life as well. I use to really work hard at trying to keep us all together (I'm talking about my family) and it would be a struggle all the time but in the end we saw each other ofter and spent a lot of time together.

Different people came and went and some people were unhappy about it but I always forced the issue for the greater good in the end. But sometime around the start of this year, I started to do things differentially. I stopped begging people to be a part of things and I stopped making myself invite people who made for a difficult evening to create a better atmosphere and an easier time for myself and for others. I don't really get questioned on this but rather I get people saying its fine with me, It's your house. I never really understood why you forced the issue so much (again this is all in reference to my family).

I feel guilty about it but I still continue to do the same thing week after week. Why?
With my sister, she doesn't really want to be bothered so much anyway so it seems to be OK with her. But when I tell her that we got together, I feel guilty and wonder if it bothers her. I don't really know because she doesn't really comment and she really never initiates anything anyway.

With my dad, the new woman in his life is so complicated and so much work and it is so much easier when she does not come but we ususally just grin and bear it. I have always taught my children that regardless of our feeling for her we will be polite to her out of respect for my dad. Well lately we have gotten together several times here and I have made the decisoun not to call and see if he was available. I have always told him about the get together later and really they have always been last minute in prompt toos (I am justifying again) and it was not the whole family because it was only my family and my sister and her boyfriend but still I know that if he were available, he would probabally come. I feel like such an awful person and a horrible daughter.

I hope that I go back to the girl that I once was a short time ago because I think that I liked her much better. I don't think that my heart is in it at the moment. I don't really know why.

I hope that God will soften my heart and help me to move forwards because at the moment I feel as though I have taken so many steps backwords.


  1. Dear Sunshine,

    I'm so sorry you feel that way, you shouldn't. You are the kindest person I know, and probably will ever know. I always remember that your home always felt like a second home to me, and you are the most welcoming person I know. Your going through a hard time right now. How could you not? You've had a horrible couple of years having to listen to everyone's problems and issues(Mine) How could your life and feeling not change. You always give one hundred percent of yourself to people and that is just tiring and unrewarding.
    Your a good person and I believe that good things happen to good people. Give it time, believe me you'll start to feel better soon. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are a wonderful, kind, loving and patient person. You deserve nothing but the best.
    You shouldn't feel guilty about anything that you do, you don't have an unkind bone in your body. Take a rest from beating yourself up and go out and enjoy life. Enjoy your wonderful husband and beautiful healthy children and enjoy the time you get to spend together with your other family, even if it's not as often as you like. Take everything one day at a time and do what you feel doing that day.
    God doesn't have to soften your heart, your heart is perfect the way it is.......Time will take care of it.

  2. Thanks so much Louise, but I don't deserve your kind words. You are a prime example of my selfishness. I have not been there for you for somtime now. Please forgive me for my lack of support and obove all please don't blame yourself. You are not the only person who I feel that I am not treating with the kindness that they deserve. I hope to better in the future.

  3. You are being too hard on yourself. I understand your position and can read between the lines. You have always, to a fault, done for others without thinking about yourself. You still do for others, that is your nature. You have a generous soul and can be no other way. There is nothing wrong with taking care of you and your wishes. (why are we raised to think otherwise?) There is no reason to feel guilty, (although, I know you do).

    To quote my grandmother, 'take time, take time'. She would always say this when one of us started to feel or act, 'fast'.

    Sunshine, relax, slow down. Again, to quote Bob Marley, "everyting gonna be alright".

  4. Another cloud is blocking Sunshine. So it is OK to think of yourself and what your family needs and wants. You are not responsible for everyone else’s happiness. Also it is nice to get together with all the family. But all the family needs to want to get together and if some don't that is ok. We all have different things going on in our lives and sometimes we just want to be on our own. You do a lot with your family, you are the only family I know that celebrates every birthday with big family get together’s. And when it comes to your kids they are the only ones I know that have a birthday month! Don't worry about feeling you have to force the family to get together let it go and don't feel guilty. Try to do some family events that are just the four of you. And if that doesn't work and you have this deep need to cook for crowds then cook for ME!!!!!! I'll come over with my family and you can play hostess. Also next time Mommie calls wanting to come spend the weekend with 3 grown grandsons I will send them to you!

  5. You are being far to hard on yourself. Our life experience mold us into who we become. We try our best, encounter difficult situations, overcome obstacles and come out the other side. If you are feeling that you need some time to yourself lately or just don't feel like doing something, that simply means you are human. It's great that you are a giving person by nature, the world needs more people like you, but you need to stop and reboot sometimes too and that is what will keep you going and keep you sane.

    Be kind to yourself, you certainly are always kind to everyone else, you deserver it too :)