I wake up and for a moment or two I‘m OK, my mind starts on what needs to be done today, which kid needs what and what I need to do for work, just another Tuesday. Then, it hits me, yesterday starts to come flooding back and I realize its not just another Tuesday. Everything is different now, I have to make and receive phone calls. Arrangements have to be made, people have to be told.
I get the younger child off to school, it’s best she go and keep things as normal for her as possible. My teenager says she is not going to school and I don’t have the energy to argue with her. I know word is starting to spread the phone has started its incessant ringing. I drink my morning coffee and ignore it. I just can’t deal with this yet.
I have this strong feeling to protect this situation. I know everyone just wants to help but at this point I want to close the blinds and shut the outside world from entering my life. The phone won’t stop and now the doorbell is going. I take a deep breath and shut my feeling down and get on with it.
One of my closes friends has arrived. Sunshine brings muffins and out of the four of us I think she would understand what is going on the best. She has had to deal with death within her own family and we all were there to witness and do what we could. Though for me it seemed inadequate at the time. My oldest daughter sits with Sunshine, I just try to keep busy. I can’t sit, I need to create some kind of normal, and I need to be doing stuff. Cook, make lists, and make up beds for when my siblings fly in. I just need to keep moving.
Foreign Affairs have called and they are telling me that they have been speaking with the authorities in Belize and Guatemala and before the body can be flown home they must do an autopsy. And before they can even do that they must have a credit card to cover the cost of close to $5000.00 to ship his body home. I am floored by this cost, I don’t have this kind of money and I know my late brother didn’t. After a flurry of phone calls it is arranged to have my father take care of the expense, as my mother (who was not even aware that Len had gone on a vacation) insists she must see the body. We need to get him home ASAP.
Sunshine has left and others come by, a couple of friends give us gift certificates for restaurants so I don’t have to cook. My teenager is impressed with, this she is like “I didn’t know we get gifts when someone dies, Cool”. I laugh at her and think it is the first laugh in two days.
I remember this day so clearly. I was told not to come but I didn''t know how to do that. Staying away was not an option and I too felt so inadequate because at such a tender time I know that there is nothing that I can say or do that can take your pain away. I love you all so much and all that I know how to do is to share in the pain with you. I have lived your fears and sadness for a long time but the only thing that I can say is that you never forget but you will move on. It has been almost 9 years since the start of my own personal tragedies and I can recall every detail and my love for those that were lost is still strong and even deeper but the pain has subsided. Life is barable again and the events and sadness don't seem to overtake my life anymore. I feel "norman" again.
ReplyDeleteI have to confess that there is something that I think about often when it comes to what happened with you. It is selfish and I know that I feel guilty and that since everything happened I have wanted to say how sorry I am. You asked for a favour and I didn't say yes. Do you remember? I am so sorry and I think about it often but I was always to afraid to birng up the subject because I know that I disappointed you that day. I am so sorry. Please forgive me!!!!!!!!!!
First my ray of Sunshine let me say you really need to proofread. I feel "norman" again. LOL, still LOL. But I am sure you mean Normal.
ReplyDeleteSecondly we told ourselves we would be honest with this blog, but so soon? That day way back when I asked you to watch the daycare kids for a day. Yes I was very hurt when you said "No" and a little angry. After the No I did what I do best and shut all of you out. Not the most mature of me. When I was writing about that time I had actually forgotten about the favour. But like many things time heals old wounds and YES I forgive you!!!!!!!!!
Day two I'm still hiding. I slept with Sue in her bed last night I woke up in the night crying and that woke her and michell up.
ReplyDeleteI did not stay at your house during this time, because I could not be a mother. I was only a little girl that had turned into a sobbing ball of grief. As I walked through these days it was no longer me in my body. I had changed forever.I wonder if I will ever find myself again or will this be the new me? Mommie