Thursday, June 18, 2009

Seeing Len Everywhere

Have you ever noticed when your mind is consumed with something, you see that thing everywhere you go. It’s like when you are pregnant, it appears like the rest of the female population is also pregnant. Or when you buy a new car and everywhere you drive someone is driving that exact same car right beside you.

Well for months after Len died it was like that for me. Every pickup truck that I would pass had Len sitting in the cab. Every blond man who would walk by I would have to do a double take cause I could of sworn that was Len that just walked by. I would hear this big voice full of laughter and have to look around cause I was sure it was Len laughing at something.

These sighting went on for months and months. And what seemed crazy, was I was the only one in my house who saw Len in all these strangers. I even had a few dreams where we new Len was dead but he was alive if that makes any sense.

When I sleep I dream just about every night. I don’t always remember my entire dream sometimes it is just a feeling that I wake up with and it stays with me through out the day. But one thing with all of my dreams that is consistent is my family and I are still living in our old house. We moved over 7 years ago but I still to this day dream as if we still live there. It was about two months after Len died that my dreams of him started. I would have dreams where my mom and siblings are all sitting in my living room and Len is telling us about his trip to Belize. I am pacing the living room floor and getting upset because we all know Len is dead but he is sitting there talking to us. Finally there is a break in the conversation and I ask Len how he could be here when he is dead and then he instantly disappears. My brother and sister sit there in shock and my mom starts to yell at me “Len was with us why couldn’t you just keep your mouth shut. If you didn’t ask so many questions Len would still be here”. Or another dream, Len and I are leaning against the back of his truck in my driveway just shooting the breeze. Then Len turns around and starts to walk away and says while pointing to me “she’s right about that God and Heaven thing” and then he is gone. There were more dreams all similar to the two above but the unusual part of all of these dreams was in everyone setting was our currant home. The dreams of Len are the only dreams I have every had, where we live in this house.

I am not sure what that all means or if it means anything. Maybe it is because Len helped design and build the fireplace and built in wall unit in our family room. Or maybe because just before he left for vacation we had arranged for him to help move a wall and closet in our laundry room. While Len was away my husband tore the wall out and was just waiting for Len to come home to help with the plumbing and electrical. Or when I was going through his computer looking for work related files after he died, I came across designs of my dining room that we had discussed doing in the future. The dining room was going to have a wider entrance with half pillars and display shelving below them.
Perhaps our home has more of Len in it, then I ever realized. He came for dinner often when he was in the area. Since we have lived here, most Christmas dinners have been prepared and celebrated in this home with the whole family. Even before we officially bought the house it was Len who came and did the inspection for us. And with his usual humour while he laid on a bathroom floor with his head under the toilet tank looking for leaks, I asked him what was taking so long and he said “I am just enjoying how clean it is under here cause it will probably be the last time I ever see it this clean.” And his is right, who cleans behind the toilet!
I know it sounds cliché but we get so caught up in our everyday lives and take for granted what seemed like unimportant moments. That we don’t see the value of our relationship with others till it’s too late. Sad…..


  1. Dear Carolin, I too have seen my mother oh I don't know maybe 100 times since she has past away. There were people that I would follow in malls until I saw their faces because from the back I would have sworn they were my mom. In church I would hear someone cough and it sounded so much like the way she would cough. It still happens sometimes today but not as much as before. You are so right in cherishing our relationships with our loved ones. We really don't know what we have until it is no longer with us. Hopefully that gives us more appreciation and love and the ability to see things more clearly and express our appreciation for them now rather then when its too late.

  2. I was running with Carolin, she was 8 years old and with her youngest brother he was 6 years old. We where trying to get away from the mob. We ran into a building and the FBI was there. They took use into a small room and told use we would have to go into the wittness protection program. Another man came into the room I could not see who it was at first. He stepped into the light and I relized it was Len. I was so shocked and unbelievablly happy. So happy I was crying and hugging Len. I relized he was not dead but he was in the wittness protection program all this time. I did not care that I would not see anyone else again. I was just so happy to have Len back.

    That was my last dream of Len about 3 weeks ago.

    When I see Len in other people I can not help put stare. Tears always behind my eyes. Selfishly I think why are you here and Len isn't. It gives my a little happiness and a lot of saddness at the same time.

    I also feel closer to Len when I see things that he made like the fireplace or decks or recrooms.
    I will never stop missing him.

    I Love You Mommie