Monday, June 15, 2009
Sadness
I am just so sad. I don't even know why. I feel like I am faking my way through life some days. What do I really want or need? I don't remember ever feeling this way until after my mom passed away but that was 9 years ago. How can this one event change a person so much? I use to be happy every day. People at work use to comment about how I always had a smile on my face. Now the people closest to me ask me what's wrong and why I am so miserable (mostly my sister, I think that's because she knows me best and I must be my truer self around her). I just miss my mom so much and some days nothing will satisfy that loss. I want her back. I want her to hold me and talk to me and make me my favourite foods. I want her to mend my clothes and look at my children the way only she can. This year I didn't even go to visit her at the cemetery on Mothers Day (that's when she passed away). It was easier not to go and although I know that she understands I feel a little bit guilty about it. I wish that I could see her, even just for an hour or two. I never really feel this way on the anniversary of her death it usually takes me a while to figure out that I am so sad because I miss her. I just realized it now as I am writing this because the words just seemed to flow in that direction. I was going to write about sadness but the rest just came. Things aren't always sad for me most of the time I feel that I am happy and I hope that I can be that ray of sunshine for others.
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Dear, dear Sunshine........When you decided to use the name sunshine, it couldn't have been a better fit. You do bring so much sunshine to so many lives. I'm so so sorry that your feeling so sad. I wish I could write or say something that will take all your sadness away. Unfortunatly life just doesn't work that way. I can tell you however that you are such a beautiful person inside and out. My life would be a much darker, depressing place without you. You have a wonderful gift, and that is your beautiful heart. You never put yourself first and you always think of others, everyone. You never take sides and always look for the good in life and people. I hope that I can help you find your happiness again, I promise to always be here for you and I will do what I can to help you find your smile again.
ReplyDeleteMy Dear Ray of Sunshine, when ever you feel a down or sad. Just come on over and help me remove wallpaper. I would say I am a little over half way done. Then you can help me eat some of the brownies and lemon squares I made this morning.
ReplyDeleteSunshine isn't shining today. Just like a cloudy day. The sun is still brilleant but the clouds of lifes sorrow are blocking the rays.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are going through, only because I to go through days like that. I was 36 when my mother died and 6 years later my Father died. Both in there early 60's.
Your sadness is perfectly normal. The sting of death fades but the pain does not go away. We can live life for days weeks even months with out the sorrow creeping back in. It does creep because we are sad befor we know why, just like you said.
I have learned to go with the feelings. Let yourself be sad. Sometimes a real good cry helps.
Love You Mommie