Monday, June 15, 2009
I am just so sad. I don't even know why. I feel like I am faking my way through life some days. What do I really want or need? I don't remember ever feeling this way until after my mom passed away but that was 9 years ago. How can this one event change a person so much? I use to be happy every day. People at work use to comment about how I always had a smile on my face. Now the people closest to me ask me what's wrong and why I am so miserable (mostly my sister, I think that's because she knows me best and I must be my truer self around her). I just miss my mom so much and some days nothing will satisfy that loss. I want her back. I want her to hold me and talk to me and make me my favourite foods. I want her to mend my clothes and look at my children the way only she can. This year I didn't even go to visit her at the cemetery on Mothers Day (that's when she passed away). It was easier not to go and although I know that she understands I feel a little bit guilty about it. I wish that I could see her, even just for an hour or two. I never really feel this way on the anniversary of her death it usually takes me a while to figure out that I am so sad because I miss her. I just realized it now as I am writing this because the words just seemed to flow in that direction. I was going to write about sadness but the rest just came. Things aren't always sad for me most of the time I feel that I am happy and I hope that I can be that ray of sunshine for others.